Filled with anger… filled with love… weird… that’s what I am, but I can’t help it. That’s just who I am. My childhood was a dark one (not gonna reveal it) and from that rose my issues. Cultivated over 15 years, born in booze and isolation it grew. I hear voices. My own voices which are taunting me, tells me that I don’t deserve any friend cause I hurt them. You don’t need to be a close one to be hurt. Although I do admit that the close ones are the one who are hurt the most. I have no control over myself. I am a Ronin, a wanderer. Elementary school was a bad experience, High school, even worse. Of course I made friends, who can live without friends… as much as you claim to be an antisocial, you need friends. None of them lasted and I have hurt the ones who have tried to understand me.
There was one person who understood me, almost. She never even knew that my issues- anger, despair, hallucinations, foul outbursts, and sudden falling down- existed and she got hurt badly. There is a reason why I keep these things hidden. I hurt the ones one I love the most. That’s the reality and no matter how hard I try to protect them from me … I become their worst nightmare.
I don’t wanna be alone but that’s what I have to be if I want to protect the ones that I love. Unrequited loves, almost-best buddies-… they are the ones who are hurt the most and while one has miraculously recovered from the hurt, others still remain in pain. If you are wondering why I hurt you, well it’s because I wanna protect you from the greater danger, that’s me. Believe me when I say this you don’t wanna fully know me. I am kind, I am loving, caring but I am filled with anger. It is said that misplaced anger is the most dangerous of all the anger and the bad part is you’ll never know when the anger will explode.
I know that I ain’t the only one facing this. But as one once said “you may know about their journey, you may even know their whole story but you have no idea how they truly felt so don’t judge anyone” I follow this… infect this is one of the codes I follow. I try to know people before I make friends. Friends… that are a thing I choose very carefully. When I say that you are my friend… I truly mean it. I know dying ain’t the bravest option but if I say that you are a friend that means that I’d support and help you till my last breath. That being said… I have lost a lot of friends. I hang on to the slightest thread of friendship and then, they suddenly leave. I know that they have their own reasons but come on, not even a call? That’s just rude.
Like I said I don’t wanna hurt people. I have one of those psychological things that make me slightly more sensitive to people’s facial expressions. 5years if learning to fake expressions and a year of learning to make facial expression have made me extra sensitive. This is the good part. The bad part is that I feel it, not much but slightly and I am more sensitive to negative emotions than positive emotions, hell one friend (not gonna mention her mane, yes she is a female) named me be negative. I feel all those shitty emotions of the people around me. The more pain I cause the more I get hurt. Loneliness is the worst thing anyone can ever be given-as I have experienced it- but sometimes in order for you to save the ones that you love you have no other options left but to stay alone and feel this pain.
“I ain’t no graceful person… I am the broken windows during feb, I am the gunshots muffed by a few city blocks, I ain’t no Saturday morning or a Friday night… I am a mid Tuesday; 2 am, I fall from grace with a dull thud” that almost perfectly defines me. I am a guy born on the 25th hour, an hour that occurs every 64 years. I know I ain’t but I sure as hell think I am.
You are supposed to be your best friend but I am my worst enemy. I destroy everything I try hard to create. I have hallucinations- voices telling me what I truly feel- and the only time I don’t hear these voices is when I’m drunk. But as soon as the dizziness from the booze clears the voices scream even louder. “Numbing the pain for a while will only increase its intensity when you finally feel it- William c. hann” its true but for me a few minutes of silence in my head is priceless. No one knows you better than yourself… but what if your own subconscious taunts you? What will you do? Suicide?? NO! You once promised yourself that you won’t do it. No matter how hard the life becomes and it just happens to be the one that doesn’t break promises. That puts you in a very crappy situation doesn’t it?
I am one of them; the ones who feel like they belong to all those leap hours of the leap years that didn’t happened. Many are voiceless but I have the words and I am trying to expresses the voices of the voiceless. I am full of flaws. Depressed (believe when people say that they are depressed casually they don’t have the slightest clue to that the depression is like but we know what a monster it is… trying to feed on us), anger issues, schizophrenia and all those psychological shits that you have an are still surviving… hats off to yall. I am among the 25th hourers.
Those unsaid words, unrequited loves, those huge crushes, those sack of shit best friends, those hours spent on trying to be distracted via art, music or any other way… just to be busy… just to be distracted, will matter one day. Just be sure to say what’s in your heart (the good ones, even if they are risky) cause dude, life is too short. I learnt that after I lost my friend to the quake. I had soo much to say to her… soo much to share, and one day I lost her. She was gone just like that. The tears that I had blocked for years came exploding out. Of course I ain’t immune to sadness and I had shed some tears before that but that was immense. It’s never easy to lose a friend. That came to me twice. But anyhow…… survive my damaged peeps for you will matter one day.
